Sh*t Cell Phones Ruin

Cell phones are cool.  I have one and I love it but I also know when to store it away and focus on living and enjoying life in the moment.  Unfortunately, not all appear to agree with me on the proper use and etiquette of cell phone use.  To these people, I dedicate this blog post.

Sh*t cell phones ruin…

1. Concerts!!  I recently had the luck to go to an Elton John concert.  It was absolutely amazing EXCEPT for the cell phones and their idiot owners.  People had their cell phones lifted over their heads to record parts of every frickin’ song during the concert!  WTF?!?  He’s RIGHT THERE!  Watch, listen, and remember how it feels to be alive in this moment!  We all know that you are not going to watch your shitty recording of the concert to “relive” what it is like.  NO!  Your recording sucks in comparison to what you are missing while watching it through your dinky little cell phone screen.  Thanks to the cell phone idiots, I watched most of the concert with cell phones blocking my live shot of Sir Elton and in the middle of his face on the big screens.  When not totally emerged in how amazing the concert was, I was fantasizing about having a bag of tennis balls (and great aim) that I could use to pick off the cell phones one by one.
2. Dinners….or any meal that you are with others with whom you enjoy, or would like to enjoy, a fluid, intellectually conversation.  We’ve all been there…no need for further explanation.  Only rules for social etiquette that parents, kids, friends, etc. should really follow.
3. Arguments…Yes, arguments.  How can you really resolve anything when 25% of one’s person’s attention goes to his/her cell phone?  It’s an immediately accessible form of distraction and distancing that people engage in when feeling uncomfortable or not wanting to deal with something.
4. Photography...If you have a cell phone it likely has a camera and can immediately upload any picture to your Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/Snapchat/etc, etc.  Does that mean you should upload each and every photo to these social media?  NO!  We don’t want to see your millions of Selfies, your mediocre food, uncomfortable pictures of your loved one sleeping, etc.  There was a time when people took time to take pictures, review them and then only print/publish the best ones…I miss those times.
5. Children…Ok.  I know cell phones don’t “ruin” children but similar to excessive use of video games, children becoming dependent on cell phones for entertainment limits their interactions with other people, nature, etc.  Yes, I realize that my addiction to books when I was young could be construed as the same and I will not argue against that but, seriously, does a 6 year-old really need 24-hr access to mom or dad’s cell phone to keep him/her quiet?  Are 6 year olds even supposed to be quiet?  A quiet 6 year old seems to go against nature.

Have a cell phone pet peeve?  We’d love to commiserate!

Lessons From a Displaced Yankee

I was born in Ohio and basically raised in Michigan.  For all purposes, I’m a Yankee...although I never even considered this word or it being used to describe me until I moved to Tennessee at age 25.  Oddly enough, I experienced more culture shock when I moved from Michigan to Tennessee than when I moved from Tennessee to South America.  It took me 1.5 years to fully adjust to the US South….and I wasn’t even that far South!

During my first 1.5 years in Tennessee, my family received regular phone calls that started…"MOM!  You won’t believe what happened at work today!?!?!”  (To which she would just start laughing diabolically, enjoying my reactions to leaving the liberal university bubble I had lived in for the past 7 years.)  Despite my initial culture shock, I absolutely love the South and learned to function quite well as a displaced Yankee.

For those Yankees who have never lived or worked in the South, I've come up with a quick list to help give you a head start in your acculturation process…. 

1. “Bless your heart” can mean anything from “F--- you” to “I’ll be praying for your soul because you are going to Hell in a hand basket” to “You silly little thing, I don’t think you have any idea what you are talking about”.  In any case, no matter how much the person is smiling when they say it, you don’t want to be on the receiving end of this.

2. Southerners have awesome phrases to describe people’s behavior.  

Some of my favorites are: (1) “S/He is talking out of her/his head” (S/He is ranting, raving or truly insane), (2) Too big for his/her britches (They think they are all that and they are not and could stand to be “taken down a peg or two”), (3) “Busy as a cat on a hot tin roof” (this is crazy busy), (4) “My eyeballs are floatin’” (Gotta pee so bad I’m about to pee my pants) and (5) Madder than a wet hen. (Irate, furious, etc.)

3. Even if a person is smiling when talking to you, if you “feel” that they are mad at you, they probably are livid. 

For a Northerner, the cognitive dissonance this creates is mind-boggling.  I made several trips to my boss’s office where the conversation started out, “I think _____’s family is going to file a complaint against me but she was smiling and really nice….however, I just feel she really wanted to rip my face off.”  100% of the time, I was right in these cases.  (And no, I did not do anything wrong…it was a job hazard of where I worked)

4. Manners are important!  In Michigan, it was perfectly appropriate to call a colleague at work and say, “Hi ________.  It’s ________.” and get down to business.  This is considered very, very rude in the South.  (Took me 1 year to learn this…old habits die hard). 

If you don’t at least ask how the person on the other end is, maybe how their weekend was, answer questions about how your family is…even though they’ve never met them nor have ever heard of them (and take the time to listen to their responses), you do not pass go, do not collect $200. 

My first mental reaction to this was, “Who are you and why are you asking me about my family???” General rule in the South: You must be nice, thoughtful and follow the script.  (And no, they are not collecting information on you and your family you crazy, paranoid Yankee ;-) 

5. For better or worse, everything is SLOWER. 

I was accused of running everywhere (I’m a fast walker), frequently asked what my hurry was and accused of talking fast on purpose so people wouldn’t understand me.  In the South, you need to relax, take your time and know that you will still make it to your destination….I still suck at this.

One of the highest compliments that you can get as a displaced Yankee is, “You know, you ain’t too bad for a Yankee”….when I got this from a patient, I knew I was golden. J  However, “You damn Yankee” never means good things and usually requires bringing in a Southern colleague (or “ally”) to help diffuse the situation.

6. Want to know where the Southern drawl comes from?  It comes from talking so frickin’ slow! 

You don’t need to “adopt” the Southern accent when living in the South, it comes naturally when you are forced to slow down your rhythm of speech.  When I got home from work, or was talking about my work with family or friends, I would frequently get accused of “talking Southern”.

7. If you are female, you will be called sweetheart, honey, etc.  (I'm a die hard feminist and yes, I came to accept this)

Usually, this is harmless, but sometimes it will make you homicidal…especially by a car repair guy who’s dealership messed up your car 3 different times in 2 weeks resulting in missing work.  I learned that there were times and places to call on my displaced inner Yankee self to get things done.

Are you a Southern?  Displaced Yankee?  We’d love to hear your loves and tips about living in the South!

The Horrors of Digital Photography: Selfies…

You could chalk this post up to jealousy.  I suck at taking selfies.  I also don’t have the time nor interest in perfecting the art of the selfie.  (I can barely look presentable in pictures that other people take of me, let alone a picture I take of myself.)  Some people rock the selfie and that’s cool.  I have some Facebook friends that never cease to amaze me in how fantastic they look in pic after pic.  HOWEVER, there are times and PLACES that selfies are unnecessary and outright ridiculous.  My most recent unfortunate, “nails on the chalkboard” discovery….Travel Selfies.  WTF people!  No one wants to see photos of you right after you pass airport security, after buying stuff in Duty Free (with shopping bags in hand, of course), waiting for the plane, after the plane took off, eating your crappy airplane MEAL (yes, there were people on my last trip taking selfies of them and their food…and not just one, but 8 or 9 selfies), and after picking up your bags at baggage claim!!! 

“Yea!  I made it and so did my bags!  This is the best vacation ever!  I must document this and send it to 600 of my closest friends!”

(Ok, I do admit that on some airlines….this could be a photo worthy event)

In addition to blaming the idiots taking these ridiculous pictures (and praying to all that is good in the world that they do not feel obligated to share them with ½ the world), I blame digital photography.  Back in the “good ole’days” you had to PAY to look at your pictures, which, while lacking actual scientific backing for this claim, I believe had to drastically reduce the number of stupid shots of stupid stuff that people took…including selfies!!!  With digital photography, you can take and share with a click of a button, no payment required.  Thus, instead of boring all your friends with pictures of your vacation when they come to your house (admit it, back in the day we (or your parents) all did this!), you can beat them over the head with minute by minute shots of your vacation….as you relive it yourself a second afterwards instead of real-time because you are too busy analyzing and posting ever frickin’photo from the horribly mundane parts that make people have to choose between committing social media suicide and hiding your photo-happy ass to the beautiful ones that you really do want to remember in the future. 

Seriously…who will ever review their selfie after passing airport security and think,

“What an amazing experience!  I can’t believe I actually passed Airport Security!?!  It was soooo magical!”

Seriously folks, think before you shoot!  To help you figure out what is and is not an appropriate time to take a selfie...I offer you the following guideline: 

3E Selfie Guidelines:  If you wouldn’t be able ask a 3^rd party to take your picture (and verbalize a rational justification of said picture request), you probably should NOT be taking the f#*@ing photo!  Why?  Because it’s RIDICULOUS!!!

 

 

Why are you touching me??? The 3E Reproductive Diaries

So, as a follow-up on the last blog post...I am no longer TTC but am almost 5 months pregnant!  Yea!  And during the 1st trimester I have come to find out that it was not the pain during child birth that God gave Eve as punishment for eating the damn apple....Nope!  It is the 1st trimester!!!  Holy Hell!  I can wait a bit before I subject myself to that again.

 

As a Gringa living in South America, I knew that I would have some cultural adjustments to make when I got pregnant.  I knew that people that I didn't know or knew but weren't intimate friends with would touch my stomach without asking as soon as they found out I was pregnant, thus when I got pregnant and started showing I made a conscious effort to psychologically prepare myself for this....I repeatedly told myself 3 things:

 

1. This is a happy time and they just want to partake in the happiness. (Which is true...however, this is based on the belief that most people are not perverts)

 

2. They are transmitting good vibes to me and my baby. (This is questionnable but I could dig it)

 

3. Pregnancy in Latin American culture is a familial and community event that brings happiness to all. (Yeah, I was reaching but there is some truth in this...I think).

 

I prepared myself for the belly touching from the time I found out I was pregnant and was so proud of my consciousness that this could be an issue for me and proactively preparing myself accordingly.

 

Me being proud and prepared :-)

 

 

Soooooo......did it work?

 

Nope!

 

Despite all the Zen I had going into this, the end result is that I just want to break people's hands or do something that makes them feel equally as uncomfortable.  At what point does me being pregnant mean that people get to lay hands on my body without my permission. 

 

A general rule:  If you didn't touch my stomach BEFORE I got pregnant, you have no right to touch my stomach WHEN I'm pregnant.  (At least without first asking....asking would be good)

 

You want to feel the baby?  Yeah, by touching ME your only feeling ME...sorry folks, baby is pretty well cushioned there.

 

Anyway, despite all the wicked t-shirts, bumper stickers, etc. that I've found to warn people of pending harm to their physical beings and/or psych, I'm still working up the nerve to creatively combat this problem without ending up in jail.  So until then, I react appropriately.  Allowing those with the happy hands to be happy while making mental notes of how to possible ward off future molestation.

 

Got any tried and true ways to keep happy hands off your happy belly??

 

Do share!  We'd love to know what you've come up with!!

You know you are trying to conceive when...

Think trying to get knocked up is easy and filled with flowers, butterflies and fluffy stuff?  For a minority of women, this is true...for the rest of us, a sense of humor is a prerequisite.  Here is a short list of the "joys" of trying to conceive. Sure, there is all that fluffy stuff too but there are enough blogs that focus on that and, as you know, fluffy stuff just isn't our style.  

You know you are trying to conceive when.....

1. You are measuring and quantifying everyhing you can in your life.  Basal Body Temperature, cervical mucus, lh predictor kit results, exercise, food, caffeine intake, etc.  Thank goodness for apps but good luck not losing your sanity...even just a little bit.

 

2. Your regular cycle gets wacky....just to keep you on your toes.

3. Those damned pregnancy tests all measure different levels of HGC and claim to be able to confirm pregnancy on different days of your cycle....resulting in fighting the urge (and often losing) any day after ovulation.  (Never knew that HPTs could be such a great business.)

4. TTC (Trying To Conceive) blogs become your greatest hope and worst enemy.

5. As ridiculous as all those TTC blog abreviations are, you start using them.  AF = Aunt Flow?  Seriously ladies, we are not in middle school...I hope!

6. You're partner has never been more interested in and open to talking about your cycle...and you realize just how much they didn't pay attention during high school sex ed.

7. Two weeks of each month feels like an eternity.

8. Sex, while still enjoyable, also feels like Olympics.  You may be exhausted, sick, battered or bruised but you still go for the gold!

9. Any PMS symptom now becomes a possible pregnancy symptom...damn you TTC blogs, websites and books!

10. Foreplay becomes "I think I'm going to ovulate soon" and it works, every time.

11. The idea of nausea, weight gain and breast tenderness has never sounded so good. 

That is my list!   Got any to add to?  We'd love to hear from you!

Not everything is Disney’s fault

So, this is the thing.  Every time I am introduced to someone it goes something like this:

Me: Hi! Nice to meet you.

Anyone: Nice to meet you too. Are you married?

(Seriously!!!!! Like your marital status is the most important thing about you. Not only that, whenever I see someone that I haven’t seen in a long time, the conversation goes “Are you married yet?” or “Did you finally get married?” (I’m almost 40, you see).

Part II.

Me: No, I’m still single.

Anyone: (sigh) Oh well! (followed by the universal look of pity/sadness/compassion…fill in the blank).

And the cherry on top…                                                     

Anyone: Don’t worry, you will find someone soon.

At this point I’m looking dangerously like the Vesuvius about to bury Pompeii and I am fighting hard to control a homicidal impulse. So I just change the topic and think to myself that it is not strange that I have lost most of my desire to socialize these days.   

You may have heard (repeatedly) that we are to blame Disney and his promotion of “princess waiting for prince charming” stereotype for false hopes and shattered dreams regarding romantic relationships, or in other words, for shaping our vision of life in an unrealistic way making us think we could get a prince when what we are most likely to get is, well, the frog.  Don’t get me wrong, frogs can be lovely, but they’re no princes.

I manage to see the point in these accusations, but what I would really like to know is who is to blame for the “other illusion”, namely that a woman’s only chance to fulfillment and bliss is to be married and have kids. (Enter the sad and pitiful look if you are not among the “blessedly” married-with-kids ones.)

I would love to have a kid, but as for marriage…Let’s just say it is not part of my fantasy. It never was. I honestly (cross my heart) never dreamed of a church, bells and flowers, nor a white dress or a husband. I never had a dream where I was Mrs. Prince Charming or Mrs. Frog. I’m simply not the marrying kind and that’s fine with me.

The problem is, it seems I’m the only one who’s fine with it because strangers and acquaintances definitely sense something’s just not right with this picture…Especially other women!  Most of the time I think they are so fixated about my couplessness because they are envious, plain and simple. They must think: “Well, if I have to put up with all this, why do you get a free pass?”.  Even if they’re not thinking it, they certainly look like they are.

But deep down I know there’s more. There is this socially accepted “truth” that women achieve happiness through childbirth and marriage. It is a woman’s role, a woman’s task, a woman’s gift, her woman’s destiny, hell…. It is a woman’s “nature”!!!!  Blame it on nature!?! Genius! So, of course they’re sad and compassionate, your nature is out of tune, meaning that you are likely damaged.

The very well known explanation for this social setting is the distribution of work: males have the productive role, females the reproductive one. Fine, we know that. But hello!!!!! It’s not like humankind is an endangered species anymore, we could actually benefit from a pause in reproduction.

However, when I have these conversations with other women (or they have them with me) I can’t help but to think on a different version of that explanation: one fine day, there was a guy who –presented with the puzzle of coexistence between woman and man- came up with a brilliant solution! “Let’s set separate roles for males and females: we produce, they reproduce”, said the founder of human society. It could not have worked without a brilliant marketing strategy too: the miracle of life creation is a gift of (for?) females, a wonder of nature and whoever has that gift and does not use it has to be crazy right? To other women, who actually know the real cost of using their gift and decide not to, you’re a bitch.

To all those women who pretend to pity you because you’re single: envy is a capital sin, you’re all going to hell.

And to the “founder” of this brilliant idea and all your followers….I am coming for you!!!!!! 

"My Morning Fail as an Understanding Wife" or "Attack of Kryptonite Dog Poo"

Last Wednesday I was having an amazing morning.  Got great sleep, woke up in agood mood, went to the gym, made it to work early.  It was quite amazing.  And then....the hubby calls. One of the dogs had an accident (not the easy to clean up kind) in the guest bedroom on the carpeted floor.  He was hysterical, hollaring and the whole 9 yards. I was empathetic for about 5 minutes as he was freaking out, lamenting how the house smelled like poo and how he "couldn't" clean it up without dying, etc.  I came up with the ingenious solution that he should ask and offer to pay his dad's housekeeper to clean it up.  (His parents live next door)  Then came the 20 questions of how it should be cleaned, with what products, how she should get it off the carpet, etc.  I told him where everything was for her to use.  Then, out of the blue,  starts telling me how I need to leave him notes to feed the dogs because he can't read my mind when I leave at 6am, that the dogs should be left outside when I leave, etc, etc.  Slightly annoyed with these new "instructions" but in adament refusal that he should ruin my great mood, I ask him if there was anything else.  He starts the hollaring all over again about how the dog pooped on the floor, how the house smells awful, etc....so....I happily hung up. 

(If you are married you know this is not the way to help your spouse regain his senses)

He called back furious that I hung up on him and ended the call.  I oddly maintained my great mood.

3 minutes later I get a call saying that he can't find the carpet cleaner, the housekeeper still isn't at his parents house and is Dad already left and he was going to leave everything for me when I get home....in 9 hours.  Lovely.  I finally talked him into leaving the front door open today so I can call his Dad's housekeeper and pay her to come clean up the mess.  

What came out of this....I believe we (women) should organize our partners into an efficient network of "crisis control prevention teams" based on a systematic analysis of our partners strengths and "kryptonites" and activate the team to come "save the day" when a kryptonitic "crisis" hits (poo of any kind, rodent capture and disposal, ect.)... because, as much as we love them, in general, individual men are largely useless in the face of household crises...but a team might just be able to handle it.  (We could even make them were sexy uniforms ;-)

(To the hubby's credit he did soon regain his senses and organized the clean up the toxic poo ;-)